Monday, April 23, 2012

defeated

that my friends, is the word of the day

i don't often get deep around these parts but today as i sit here, in the silence, on the couch, i thought maybe if i verbalize write what's in my head it will help. so here i go....

parenting is a tough gig! while it's the most amazing experience one could have & my heart is full of so much love everyday i could just explode, at the end of the day, it's not easy. how come you so rarely see that in the blog world!? i know all those moms, with perfect, happy 24/7 blogs, are choosing to share only the smiles & meltdowns because i know i am not the only one who feels like putting on some shoes & running like forrest gump every once & awhile.

if only there was an instruction manual given to you at birth[while i think that is the easiest time] you need a new version every year because every year it they change ... it gets harder.

people warn you about the terrible twos, you're prepared, waiting for that chaos to come. why don't people warn you about three & four [this my friends is my warning to you]

 terrible twos, kids test their boundaries, learn to say no, get into trouble, make huge messes, at two everything is a learning experience.

by four, they are still testing boundaries only now they know what they are & aren't supposed to be doing. they have pretty much established their persolality. sometimes i question if i live with a fourteen year old or a four year old. then you have the whole big brother situation, which is totally amazing when they are sitting together & playing but the braedon tries to be just like his big brother, so when colton is acting like a teenager & says "dont talk to me" when asked to pick up his toys, his little copy cat then thinks it's okay for him to do it as well.

let's back track a bit. remember how i was sick last week?! sunday, monday, tuesday i was trying to be supermom, alone, with the kids all day everyday & that's tough, i was feeling like i was getting close to my breaking point. let's face it, being sick & being mommy at the same time is tough stuff, even more so when you have  kids a foot away from you asking "what are you doing mommy" while you are hugging the toilet, puking your brains out. 

wednesday was a break for me i guess, i slept all day, recovering from all the sickness, then thursday on jeremiah's day off he went in around 10 & came home after the kids were in bed. friday he went around 10 & was home after 9. saturday he was at work 8:30am-9pm, sunday 10-6 & then today, today he was supposed to be off at 5. i have been looking forward to this day for a week, finally some help, some relief from my constant duties, not always having to be on top of every situation because there was help here, i then learned he had an appointment at 6pm, at that moment my hopes & dreams were flushed down the toilet. he ended up coming home around 3:30 for a couple hours so we could have family dinner together, colton's favorite, he had been waiting for days & we did not want to disappoint [again]. it ended up making everything worse, just a tease of what the evening was supposed to have been. he left for work & everything just fell apart. my kids waking up before the sun was catching up to them & the house was total chaos.

to break it down, my husband is never here. [this is not me bitching, i am thankful he has a job & so very thankful he works so hard to support us & i am able to stay at home with my kids] this doesn't always make my job easy. from the minute they wake up until the minute they go to sleep about 95% is spent with me & only me. it's like being a single parent ... only i am not. it gets exhausting, its overwhelming at times & some days i just break.

a while back we sold jer's car. it wasn't fantastic, needed lots of work & just wasn't worth keeping. we then became a single car family, which we had done before, but sometimes the cabin fever kicks in.[we however are planning on changing this, real soon--hello freedom] it's lonely, being stuck here & while i love my kids to death & we have some great conversations, they crack me daily, let's face it, it's not the same as adult interaction. add being in this house all day[we always try to get out & do fun exciting things on jer's days off to make up for this] to the fact that i parent, all day, everyday alone & you have a meltdown waiting to happen. 

for me, that day was today. colton was playing the wii[thank you husband, from the bottom of my heart for turning that on while you were home, you have no idea the mess it left for me to clean up] & getting frustrated because he couldn't do it right, he was way too tired for his own good & he started totally melting down. he was crying & angry & yelling because he was angry ... & crying & tired. while i am trying to calm him down, braedon knows now that i am honed in on colton & thinks he can run like a maniac through his house, leaving what looked like a tornado struck, behind him. [let's talk about braedon for a minute. he asked if he could play monster puppets, i told him no, i was trying to clean up, play with something that was already out. i turn around a couple minutes later & he isn't playing with said toys. i find him in my bedroom, on the far side of my bed ... playing with the monster puppets. seriously?! what a sneaky little guy.] then i try to tell braedon to pick up the 4152654 toys he has got out. he goes the other direction. i explain to colton we're done with the wii for the night, he was obviously too tired for it & a brand new meltdown began because i wouldn't let him play after the prior one.

i tell them it's time to start our bedtime charts & to please clean their rooms if they want their sticker, they head their separate ways. instead of finding them cleaning up, i find them both playing. with a lot of direction we finally got it finished & finished the rest of our bedtime routines. they went to bed a half hour early. i gave them big hugs, ten thousand kisses, told them i love them 82 times like normal & haven't heard a word since. 

i came to the living room, sat on the couch & cried. i was just so frazzled, i didn't know what else to do but cry. i think we experienced the perfect storm. cabin fever, a week of baby duty alone, running, running, running to get the house clean, kids in bed, dishes done, laundry done, every single day, i think i just ran myself down.

so i cried & that helped & i wrote & that helped too. i will go stare at my monsters sweet kids precious faces for minutes on end when i go kiss them goodnight before bed, just like everyday, i will go to bed & hope tomorrow is a better day. tomorrow will be a better day. jeremiah is off work tomorrow, it's going to be a beautiful 72 degree day[much better than 90] & i plan on using that to my advantage ... to get the boys out of the house with dad for a bit, i will recharge & then we will start all over, happier, energized & ready to tackle anything that comes my way.

parenting is rewarding. parenting is an incredible experience. parenting is something i couldn't imagine my life without.

 parenting is hard!!!

i realize this post probably jumps all over the place, i'm frazzled remember?! i also realize its long & rant-y but that's just what i needed [since it's 8:30 & jer still isn't home to rant to]

...** deep breathes, tomorrow WILL BE BETTER** ...




2 comments:

Jess said...

I think we all feel like this sometimes. I feel like a single mom most of the time, too- Elliot only sees Aaron for about an hour every night before he goes to bed. The rest of the time, it's just me... and then I remember that there will be ANOTHER little one for me to look after very soon {by myself} and it seems quite daunting. We are also a single car family right now- so I know what you mean about going stir-crazy. Well, we technically have two cars, but only one is in this state.
Hang in there. You can do it- I can do it, we all can. Women have been doing it for years. I'm sure you're an excellent mother, even in the trying times!

Sarah [NurseLovesFarmer.com] said...

I hear ya girl. I'm just starting to single-mom it for my husband to be back at work more than full time seeding in the field, and this year will be hardest. Braden was 4 months old the first year, he was 15 months last year and now he's 2 years 3 months. This year will be hardest. I admire you for your honesty...I hate the "perfect life sunshine and roses" blogs. They're all lies...no one's mommy/parenting life is perfect!